Thorns and snares

WARNING: THIS IS AN EXTREMELY LONG POST!!

It's hard to believe I haven't posted anything since the end of January! Please forgive me for my lack of commitment! Granted, we did have Chinese New Year Holiday which was a 2 week vacation for my family. And when you add in the week before to prepare to leave and the week after to recover, I can say at least a month of my "hiatus" had a valid excuse. But what can I say about the rest of the time? Proverbs 15:19 supplies the answer to that question.

During my quiet time, I came across this verse in Proverbs: "The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway." Although I had read it many times, and didn't consider myself a "sluggard", something about it touched me. My rational thinking said, of course the sluggard's path is covered with thorns, he's too lazy to get up and move them! But something within me wouldn't let me settle for that line of reasoning alone. So I decided to read it in the Amplified version as well to see if I could gain more insight. Here's how it read there, "The way of the sluggard is overgrown with thorns [it pricks, lacerates, and entangles him], but the way of the righteous is plain and raised like a highway." Entangles him? I knew thorns pricked, but could they entangle too? And how? Now I was curious and began to pull out my commentaries. What I found helped me to see why God wanted this verse to impact me the way it did. According to my commentary, "Thorns in the path depict problems that keep a person from getting what he wants; his life has obstructions." I had to meditate on that for awhile and ask myself what it was that I needed to gain from all this.

Obviously I had some "entanglements" and some "obstructions" that needed clearing. With that understanding, the larger question loomed, what exactly were they? In order to get that answer though, I realized I was going to have to work backwards. First I had to ask myself a few things: what is it that I want? What do I feel like God has placed within me as a burning desire to do with my life? What is it that I always think about, play over in my head, and can't stop doing? Immediately, I knew the answer: writing and speaking. Just the night before as I was falling off to sleep, something popped into my head (sadly, I can't even remember what it was) and I began to compose the words that I would say and share with others. I do that with everything! So with that knowledge in hand, I was ready to unearth those "entanglements" and "obstructions" that were blocking my path.

Soul-searching is never an easy or a pretty thing to do, but in this case it was necessary. I really had to ask myself, "Liana, what are the problems that are keeping you from getting what you want, that is, to be a writer and a speaker? What is entangling you?" Not easy to answer at all, but I knew that if I truly wanted to overcome and not be that sluggard, I would have to face the realities of my issues. By doing so, I would know where the battles were being waged and how to fight or seek help to fight them. After much prayer and thought, these are the conclusions I came to: I am still afraid....afraid of not writing well, not having the right words to say, or not making "sense". I still seek approval of others.....I worry that people will ridicule my writing, that they will compare it to others and judge me, or that they will expect something from me that I cannot give. I still expect perfection in my writing...I want the words to be just right, to convey beautifully what I am trying to say so that others "feel" or "see" it, and to impact the reader in such a way that the words linger with them long after they finish reading. If I can't do that in my writing, I get paralyzed and don't write at all. I still don't have anything to share...although I refuse to believe the lie that I don't have anything to offer, I wonder what can I share that would help others? How can the events in my life impact and encourage someone else? Are the things God is teaching me for others or for me alone, and how do I know the difference? I still allow myself to be distracted from my goal...Satan knows exactly where to pinpoint his target with me - keep me busy or get me distracted. The enemy knows that I have a tendency to choose good over best and he plays that card over and over again. It would be easy to point the blame at him, but I know the game is being played and still actively participate -- losing every time. These are the things God has shown me that are obstructing my path, entangling me, and keeping me from that desire He has placed within me.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE understand that this is not a self-pity party! I am not looking for sympathy here. These are the things that I am honestly dealing with and that I know I will victoriously overcome! I am encouraged by Hebrews 12:1 -2, "..Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...". I pray that as I share, it will help you in whatever you may be dealing with as well. Ask yourself those same questions: what do you want and what entanglements or obstructions are blocking your path? After prayerful thought and consideration, begin making a list of goals that will help you remove those thorns and snares so that your path is plain and straight. That is what I am doing.

Knowing that I am paralyzed by fear, insecurity, and doubt (as listed above), I've come to the conclusion that doing it afraid is the only way I can begin to overcome. So my first goal is to commit to writing DAILY on this blog. I don't care if I don't have anything to say, I'm still going to write (prayerfully, God will give me something!!). I may not write it beautifully, but I'm still going to write. I may make you laugh, cry, think, or choose never to return to this site, but I'm still going to write. And I may have to get up at 5:30 every morning to get it done, but I'm still going to write. This is only the first of my goals and once I feel like I'm ready to move on then I'll work on the other goals I've set for myself in this area. I'll let you know how I'm progressing....

For now I will I finally put this very long post to an end, and leave you with this one last, summarizing thought: refuse to be a sluggard.