Not today, not again

I just finished purchasing what I believe is the best Christmas present for my children that I've gotten yet! I was so thrilled to be able to get this for them, as it usually sells out very quickly. After purchasing it online I walked around the house giddy with excitement trying to figure out how I was going to keep this a secret for the next 5 months. I played different scenarios in my mind of how Clint and I would reveal it to them and tried to imagine the joy on their faces, the shrill of their screams and the pure happiness we would all have in that moment. I couldn't help but think how God must feel when we respond the same way to the great gifts He gives to us, His children. Those 30 minutes were the highlight of my morning.

However, as I sat down in my office to work, my mind started raging against me. Thoughts that hadn't dawned before now began to creep through in full force. Did you really get the best that was available? What if your choice ends up not being that great and your kids are disappointed? What if you made a mistake? Panic and despair washed over me and the joy I had moments earlier disappeared. How could this have happened?

I was struck down in the blink of an eye and couldn't even fight it. Rather than wage war against the enemy who battled against me, I sank into worry. I called Clint and talked to him about it, but with no success. Despite his encouraging words, I sank deeper into despair aligning myself with my mind and it's negative thoughts. I couldn't work, I couldn't respond. All I could do was sit there and ponder those questions over and over again.

But something within me wouldn't let it go. Something within me wanted to fight back. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, so I just started writing in my journal:

Just as easily as it came it went. My joy and excitement that is. I was elated about the Christmas surprise I had just gotten for the girls when fear and doubt robbed me. Questions about my choice of purchase overwhelmed me. My joy and excitement will probably not return soon.

Why? Why this constant battlefield of my mind? Why am I not stronger, more prepared, better equipped to handle it? Why do I know it's happening and succumb to it? Why??

I know what I need to do - refuse the enemy and stand up to him and praise God and thank Him for this wonderful opportunity to bless my children. That just seems so contrived right now, but it's what I need to do.

Devil, I refuse to allow you to rob me of my joy and excitement in this moment. I will not play into your game of fear, doubt and double-mindedness. You have trapped me in that game many times before but I won't allow you to do it to me again! You want to play on my need for perfection -- that I have to have the absolute perfect situation and that anything less is failure and cause for disaster and disappointment. But I won't let you do this to me. I won't!

God gave me an opportunity to bless my children with one of their hearts desires and I am going to rejoice in that. Rather than focus on your twisted thoughts, I will think upon what their faces will look like when we give them their gift. I will thank God for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, that doors were made open for me. I will thank Him for the wonderful picture He is giving me to see how much a parent loves to shower a child with good things, and how much more so our Father in heaven! (Matt. 7:11)

I have to believe and trust that if God gave me this open door then even if I did not choose the best available that He can still turn it out for good. That He will take my wrong choice and still fulfill a heart's desire. I have to remember that my girls will be thrilled by the gift itself and that's all that matters.

Satan you may have succeeded in the past with your scheme but you failed this time. I will not be putty in your hands; I will not be robbed; I will not give you the victory.

Not today, not again.


After that I closed my journal, and continued on with my work. The matter was done and the victory was won. The despair that I had felt fled, and the joy and excitement returned. It was an exhausting morning to say the least. A roller coaster of emotions and a hard fought battle for my mind. But I know it will all be worth it. The proof will reveal itself in 5 months and I can't wait!

"Where the mind goes, the man follows" - Joyce Meyer