The Kingdom of Me

I had been planning it all week: On Saturday we were going to visit the new IKEA that just opened, eat lunch out, and then check out the new grocery store in town (exciting I know, but that's my life). Then Clint came home from work on Thursday not feeling well. I hoped it was just seasonal allergies and that it would pass quickly, but when he went to bed early on Friday and didn't wake up until 9 am on Saturday, I knew it wasn't just allergies - my husband was sick. And the plans I had looked forward to all week just went out the window.

Let me just say that I wasn't too happy about the entire situation. Because I am "disciplining" myself to stay home and write, luxuries like going out are rewards for me. Plus, as Clint will be leaving in a few days for trips to the U.S. and Europe, I was looking forward to us spending time together. So basically, my plans were shot and I was left home disappointed and angry. I tried to keep my emotions in check, really I did. I went to my office and journaled, hoping that would help. It didn't. After stewing for most of the morning, I LOST it right before lunch. My children, who are used to my tantrums, told me I was being grumpy and that I needed to go back to bed (aren't kids great?). My husband was completely caught off guard by my explosion, and as he hacked up a lung, offered to go ahead and take me out. Compassion-less Liana had won.

We braved the masses at IKEA, had a nice meal together, and then after 4 hours headed home. Needless to say, my husband was a zombie when we got back and went straight to bed. Sunday morning when I was ready to go to church, he could hardly move and I knew we would be staying home. At first I wanted to be mad, but something in my spirit wouldn't let me. It was saying, "You got what you wanted yesterday so there's no point in getting angry today." I knew there was no arguing with that. But I was disappointed...I was looking forward to the worship, the teaching, and visiting with other Christians and being refreshed. Because I lived for my flesh on Saturday, I missed out on the Spirit of Sunday.

The Bible says we are to live by the Spirit and keep in step with it (Gal. 5:16,25). This past weekend I was not living in the Spirit, but rather abiding in the Kingdom of Me. Looking back, it seems like I've been residing there quite often. Not that I'm proud of it; I'm not and God is dealing with me about it. I wish I could say that it's just my sinful nature, but I can't. I live with the decision daily to live for myself or live for God. It's my choice and only one will truly make me happy.

During all this, I came across a list of attitudes that can help you assess whether you're living in the Kingdom of Me or the Kingdom of God. This is not the full list, but I thought I'd share a few of them with you.

ATTITUDES IN THE KINGDOM OF ME
1. I tend to argue about minor matters.
2. I have a strong need to be "right" most of the time.
3. Thinking about the needs of others is not my first response.
4. I have a hard time admitting and saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong"
5. I expect those closest to me to know and meet my needs.
6. I expect those closest to me to appreciate my efforts.
7. I tend to hold others to standards that I have a difficult time maintaining myself.
8. I am easily offended and hurt when those closest to me don't seem interested in my stories.
9. I expect those closest to me to cut me some slack when I've had a rough day and excuse my bad behavior.
10. I keep a mental tally of how I give to others in relation to how much they give to me.

ATTITUDES IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD
1. I am willing to choose carefully the hills I want to "die on."
2. I value the relationship with another person more than I do being "right."
3. Sensing what another person needs in the moment comes easily to me.
4. I readily own up to my mistakes, weaknesses and sins and am willing to ask forgiveness.
5. I acknowledge that the only way someone else will know my needs is for me to communicate them clearly.
6. I am willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of others.
7. I try to have the same standards for myself as I do for others.
8. I don't use my bad day as an excuse for wounding those closest to me by my words, attitudes, or actions.
9. I find satisfaction within myself when I know I've done my best or made progress in an area of weakness.
10. I can give to someone else without secretly keeping score.
*from Kay Warren's book Dangerous Surrender

The only good thing about this weekend is that it is over. I have talked about it with God and He's already forgotten about, so after this post I'm not bringing it up again. I am, however, going to try to pack up my attitude bags and move out of the Kingdom of Me and into the Kingdom of God. I'm handing over the keys of the Kingdom of Me and praying that it's one place I won't return to anytime soon.