A time to share

I've been in a funk. Pride has kept me from sharing what has brought me so low. I didn't say anything because I didn't want anyone to "feel sorry for me" nor did I want anyone to think that I was unhappy with my life here. But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up and start at the beginning....

When we first moved to China in August I knew I didn't really fit in because I was one of very few Christians in our housing complex and in our company. It was hard to be around people who acted and thought so differently from me, but survival necessitated that I befriend these people. Please don't get me wrong....they are not awful people, just lost people. That was what made it so difficult because most of my adult life has been spent in a church bubble. I figured God was just trying to stretch me out of my comfort zone, so I continued to hang around these people. I didn't feel like God was using me to change them, but rather using them to change me. However, I knew I needed to be careful not to follow their ways and ensnare myself so I slowly began to pull myself away. I would do things with them on occassion, but for the most part I tended to do things by myself. For awhile I was good with that, but then something happened. I slowly began to realize that my self-imposed seclusion was a lonely place to be. It began to seriously depress me...thus, the lack of communication on my part. I began to feel so out of place, like a third wheel, in every social situation. I would hear women talk about their families having dinner together, or I would see groups of women together laughing and having fun and I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I began to feel like something was wrong with me. All of this was really taking its toll on me and almost became an obsession. I would cry out to God and ask why...why was I left out? why couldn't I have just one heart friend here? why was I in this lonely wilderness? Day after day I would pour out my heart to Him and afterwards I would feel better for awhile, but then the enemy would pour salt on my wound again. It was a cycle that seemed to go on for weeks! God always comforted me through His Word and I knew that I would get through it somehow. Then one day I was reading a Psalm about the Israelites in the wilderness (I could really relate to that one!). Half way through the passage a verse caught my eye and I knew God meant it for me personally. It was summarizing the Israelites' needs in the desert and that they asked God to help them and He supplied the manna and the quail. I realized at this point that all I had done in my situation was cry about being lonely, yet I had failed to ask God to actually send a friend. Immediately I began to pray and ask God to forgive me for my self-pity and to please send a heart friend to me here in China. Oh what a burden rolled off my shoulder...it was amazing. My spirits lifted and I walked with hope that in time God would bring someone here.

Not too many days later we were invited to a birthday party for one of my husband's co-workers. I didn't really want to go as everyone would be drunk and that wasn't my idea of fun. I seemed to have a hard time visiting with everyone and I just wanted to go home. The rest of the night I wrestled with my emotions and I couldn't understand how God could throw us into the deep end of the "lost" pool. How did He ever expect me to survive with them for another year and a half? The only thing that kept me from spiraling back down into despair was the hope that I was clinging to that God would bring another Christian that I could befriend soon and that I wouldn't have to always depend on these other people for companionship. The next day I was reading the end of a wonderful book, Hinds' Feet in High Places. I came to the part in the story that talked about the main character having reached the High Places and then she looked down at the place and the people she had left behind and their despondent condition. She longed to go back to them and lead them to the Shepherd and help them out of their dismal states. As much as she loved being in the High Places (kinda like a church bubble), she knew that her place was among those who were without hope. That's when it dawned on me.....my selfish desire for another Christian friend and my lack of concern and compassion for the people I was surrounded by was not how I should be thinking or acting. I was only thinking of myself, my comfort, my desires. Upon this realization I cried and cried. I told Clint that I had this whole thing wrong in that rather than isolating myself from these people I needed to be loving them and leading them to the Savior. I thought I had my burden rolled away before, but now I knew that God was showing me true deliverance through this situation. He put a new song in my heart and gave me a new perspective about the relationships I have here in China. Like I said before, I know that God is using these people to change me but I also believe in my heart that at the right time He will use me as a voice to speak for Him to them. For now I am praying for them earnestly every day and waiting on God and His perfect timing. I still believe that He will also bring me another Christian friend here, and when she comes I will praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to me.

Thank you for letting me share this story with you. It wasn't easy for me to do, but I knew I had to do it. I'll keep you posted on how things are going... I just won't wait so long to do it.